Friday, July 12, 2002

My plan to gain admittance to the large human's home has failed. However, another female human of similar smell arrived and took me to her home in a large carriage. There, I was introduced to other cats who were so excited at my arrival that they immediately began making loud noises hissing noises. I know they love me.

Saturday, July 13, 2002

Today, the human put me into the special carriage again and took me to a fear-smelling place where everyone paid the appropriate homage to my perfection. The new human kept making these strange sounds every time the man in white handled me. It sounded like: HOWMUCHDOESITCOST?
Later, the man in white put something over my nose that made me fall asleep. Foolish human! If I'd wanted a nap, I wouldn't have needed any help.

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

Today, I discovered there's a large letter J stitched into my side. The stupid human had me embroidered!

Friday, July 18, 2002

The human keeps craming my mouth open to squirt pink stuff down my throat. Why doesn't she just put it into a bowl so I can lap it up? She took me to the man in white again. This time he stuck a needle into me. Am sticking pins into small doll dressed like man in white.

Monday, July 22, 2002

The other cats really love playing with me. Every time I run up and tag them, they immediately tag me back while making the low, hissing noise. Must teach them not to tag me on the head so many times and with such force. The black cat has aspirations to a basketball career. It keeps trying to dribble my head.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

The other cats love me so much that they've started sleeping in high places so I can have my run of the entire floor. Must learn how to reach the spot on top of the refrigerator. Anything that purrs like that must be a good sleeping perch.

I played with the usual game with the female human last night. She falls asleep. I curl up on her head and purr until her head vibrates. She sneezes and picks me up, pets me, and moves me to the foot of the bed. I wait for her to fall asleep again. It's amazing how the human never tires of this game.

The humans left me some new toys. They're round, stretchy things that they put into their hair. I found a whole batch of them left out for me to play with and hid them all in various parts of the house for the humans to find later. A new game! What fun!

The adult human has some wire things with shiny things that she wears on her head. Last night, she left them on the bed for me to find. I played with them until I buried them as deep as I could reach between the pillow and the bed frame. I bet she's going to have real fun hunting for them this morning. I heard her muttering that she can't see a thing without them.

Thursday, July 25, 2002

I discovered a wonderful new food the pet humans have left for me. It's called a plant and it's on the high place that I just learned how to reach. I know it's called a plant because every time I crawl into the round thing and start digging with my paws into the soft stuf inside or chewing on the sweet-tasting green stuff, the female human screams, Don't eat the plant! and pulls me out of it to talk to me and then pet me. This must be a good thing that I'm doing. If it wasn't, the female wouldn't be petting me every time she sees me doing it. They're both gone again today so I'm going to surprise them by climbing into the soft stuff, digging it all out, and chewing as much of the plant as I can.
The other cats assure me that the humans will be very happy with me if I manage to get the entire plant out of the container. If I didn't know they loved me, I'd be a little suspicious about the way they sit and watch me and don't chew on the plant themselves. They say it's because it's my plant and they've outgrown plant eating.

I hope I never outgrow plant-eating when I become a cat. This stuff is good.

Friday, July 26, 2002

The other cats are lying troublemakers. The plant gave me a stomach acke and the humans were not pleased. They never even suspected the other cats. They just cleaned off my paws, said things to me while petting me, and put the remains of the plant into a water glass that they put out of my reach.

The other cats snickered throught he whole thing.

I ate from their food bowls and peed in their litter box instead of using the one that the humans set aside for me. The orange cat batted me around a bit, but it was worth it.

Saturday, July 27, 2002

Yesterday, the human female pet put me into the carriage again and took me to see the man in white. This time, he removed the ugly purple embroidery. Really! Even a cat knows that purple doesn't go well with orange marmalade.

I received an e-mail from Flop the cat, master of Jim Hines, who informed me [quote]

I've found that most humans maintain at least one fountain room, and this room can be a source of much amusement. Not only does the porcelain fountain provide endless clean water, but humans usually mount a spool of soft, easily shredded stuff on a nearby wall.

I know this is meant for us, because the humans are constantly replenishing the stuff. A single spool can provide hours of entertainment, and it leaves a soft nap nest when you're finished. [end quote]

I was a little suspicious after the trouble the other three cats got me into, but I decided to check out the spool of stuff first. This is great fun. It was a little high, but I managed to get my front paws up to the thing and soft, white, tissue-like stuff rolled off in a huge pile that was extremely fun to drag and shred throughout the house.

The water, however, proved disappointing. The female human is always putting the lids down so I had to wait for the male human to arrive home and leave it up. After the awful flushing sound stopped, I climbed up to investigate and darn near fell in. That water was blue! I don't know what Flop's been drinking that's addled his brain. [Well... maybe I do know. Maybe he's been drinking this blue water.] But I'm not touching blue water. It smells funny, too.

I have compiled a manual with pictures on how to sleep with an allergic human pet. Click here to see the best positions to assume while sleeping in bed with an allergic human.

Sunday, July 28, 2002

Today, the gray cat taught me how to shed properly. If you're light, you shed on dark items and if you're dark, you shed on light items. I jumped onto all the black furniture today and shed and shed and shed.

Monday, July 29, 2002

Today, the humans were gone again and left us cats in charge of the house. I discovered that there are things called shelves which were designed for cats to crawl into. The trick, the other cats tell me, is to climb onto the shelves and use your body or your paws to scoot items along the shelves until they fall off onto the floor with a very satisfing bang and sometims a crash. They said you got extra points for knocking anything off that breaks, but it appears the humans have put all breakables into places us cats cannot reach.

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

The female human has been cruely keeping me inside while letting the other cats go outside when she returns home. She things that she can appease me by feeding me special treats while the other cats are out of the house. Wrong! I have drawn a map and planned my escape route. All I need is for one of the other cats to distract her next time she opens the door and then I'll be outside. The other cats have volunteered to help. I guess they're not so bad after all.

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

THERE ARE OTHER CATS OUTSIDE!!!! I made my break for it and got as far as the first steps before going nose to nose with a big, orange cat that makes the one inside look tiny. He has claws and teeth and piercing eyes. He lunged at me and would have ripped me to pieces if the female human hadn't grabbed me and lifted me high before the bad cat landed in the place where I was.

I love the inside. I'm going to eat all the other cats' food and spit in their water. They knew that cat was there. I heard them laughing when they saw the cat leap for me.

Thursday, August 1, 2002

Something is going on. The other cats have been prancing around humming, My kind of town, Chicago is... I think something's up. And that plastic thing the human female uses to take me to the man in white is inside the house. I hope she's not having me embroidered again. I'd rather have a tattoo.

Friday, August 2, 2002

Today, I finally wore down the head cat. I cozied up next to him while he was sleeping and when he woke up, he licked me instead of hissing and swatting at me. When he fell back asleep, I curled up against him so my smell would be on him and he'd remember that he'd accepted me. He hissed at me and swatted me a few times later in the day, but we both known it's pointless. I've won. I've worn him down.

To celebrate, I chased the black cat around the house and every time she stopped and swatted me, I just swatted her back. She finally jumped into the bed and curled next to one of the human pets. I curled up on the other side of the human pet and went to sleep, content in the knowledge that I will eventually rule this place. I have a permanent home and someday all the cats will answer to me. What more could a kitten want?

Saturday, August 3, 2002

Just when I was getting comfortable, the humans put me into the plastic thing again and then the carriage and off we went for an incredibly long ride to Chicago, where I now have to start all over again training a new set of human pets. See the pictures below of the trip.

Here I am in the car, trying to keep my head up high enough to see what's going on. There's a lot of big vehicles out there and people like to blow their horns.

Here I am meeting Sasha, the youngest and most assertive of the two cats in the household.

Here I am meeting Russel. He's a big guy and a lovely color, but he's pretty laid back.

This is my new home. It's heavenly. I've never seen a scratching post before and this one has shelves on it. Oh, boy! I love shelves. And these shelves are covered with carpeting so it's easy to climb up and down. I think I'll take over this spot.